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SATIRE | B&G reporter returns with US news from the future

The North Portico exterior of the White House is illuminated pink in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Oct. 1, 2012. (Official White House Photo by Sonya N. Hebert)

The date is Tuesday, November 3, 2020.
For the past six hours, CNN, ABC, and Fox have been continuously broadcasting clips of the Democratic and Republican candidates anxiously huddled together with their campaign staff and families. As the world awaits the results of the general election, though, the media flashes back to the events of four years prior, whispering: “Remember 2016?” While the atmosphere is still tense, the United States rests assured that no matter who is elected, the next presidential term cannot possibly be as tumultuous as the last one.
Four years earlier, in the insane election to end all insane elections, Donald J. Trump shocked the world by emerging victorious by 271 electoral votes to Hillary Clinton’s 259. In his victory interview with Fox News, he boasted about how “he had shown Crooked Hillary who’s boss” approximately 300 times. He also called Barack Obama “that black Muslim guy,” and referred to Queen Elizabeth II as “the old lady who never smiles.”
Two months later, Trump set a new record for longest-ever inaugural address, speaking for 11 consecutive hours in below-freezing temperatures. He began his speech by saying: “I mean, I’m gonna be, perhaps, the best president we have ever had; actually, I will be the best president, there’s no question about it. It’s unbelievable, the guy who came before me, he was so bad, and the stuff he did, well, those things were terrible things, absolutely terrible.” The next 10 hours and 59 minutes followed in roughly the same vein.
In February 2017, Trump’s minions in Congress helped him to pass a new Border Security Act. The Act authorized Trump’s proposed wall on the Mexican border, which he had infamously promised Mexico would pay for. He thus went to ask President Nieto of Mexico, whom he described as his “bueno Taco Bell amigo,” for $50 billion US to build said wall. Unsurprisingly, President Nieto did not appreciate being associated with an American fast food chain, and refused point blank.
Furious, President Trump asked Congress for a declaration of war. Once more, Trump’s followers in Congress, who had named themselves the Donald Party, overwhelmed the Republicans and Democrats, beginning the Second Mexican-American War. Despite America’s overwhelming superiority in manpower and weaponry, however, Trump somehow managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, thus disproving his claim that he was “going to be so good at the military.” Two days into the war, the United States surrendered after Trump directed the American army to attack their own city of Albuquerque, New Mexico. He later admitted to Congress: “I thought New Mexico was part of Mexico…”
While this scandal and other general buffoonery was going on, a massive wave of over 40 million American citizens emigrated to Canada, causing the peculiar situation of there being more Americans than Canadians in Canada. Among them were Hillary and Bill Clinton, who became valued advisers to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, and facilitated major Canadian foreign policy coups like the purchase of Alaska from the U.S.A. for the bargain price of $199.99 US.
During his presidency, Trump also forged a strong friendship with Russian President Vladimir Putin. He implemented many of Putin’s ideas, creating a new secret police modeled after the Russian KGB which he promised would restore law and order to America. Further following Putin’s lead, the secret police was used to commit numerous human rights violations and abolish same-sex marriage. Waterboarding was revived, and the justices of the Supreme Court were ordered to overturn the Obergefell v. Hodges decision that legalized same-sex marriage under threat of torture. The Sedition Act of 2018 shut down every media outlet that criticized President Trump, including the Blue & Gold, leaving Fox News as the only remaining news channel in circulation. In exchange for Putin’s excellent suggestions, it was rumored that Trump offered the Russian president advice on how to blow-dry his hair in their weekly conference calls, but analysts were not able to observe any noticeable difference in Putin’s hairstyle.
In 2018, he instituted crackdowns on the Black Lives Matter movement with his neo-KGB, with hundreds of protesters kidnapped in Baltimore and several prominent leaders of the movement vanishing in suspicious circumstances. As a result, after the Los Angeles Lakers won the 2017-18 NBA Championship by starting Timofey Mozgov at the center position, they protested by refusing to travel to the White House to meet with President Trump.
The final straw came in during the Republican primary of 2019, when the president imposed a 50 percent import tax on Chinese products. Unfortunately, the iPhone 10, which featured a 2-foot long screen and no charging port, was included among these products. Faced with the prospect of their beloved Apple products doubling in price, Trump’s supporters abandoned him in droves. Trump lost the Republican primary to Paul Ryan in a landslide, ending a miserable four years for the American people.

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